One Sunday night not too long ago, I found myself in a familiar position — restlessly mulling over how powerless I felt in my life for one reason or another. Why was I letting my entire mood be dictated by one person? Why was I constantly exhausted after following through with plans that I agreed to in the first place? Most importantly, why did this lead me into a spiraling train of thoughts that convinced me I would feel this passive in my life forever?
This week’s sounding board for my venting session happened to be my own father, to which he replied, “Kelsey, everything you’re worrying about so much right now is unimportant in the long run. If you really aren’t happy with something in your life, you have the option to say no to pursuing it.” While that may have been an obvious sentiment to someone else, it hit me like a ton of bricks — I seemed to have forgotten that I have more control over my life than I believe I do. So, why was I constantly sitting there feeling sorry for myself and slipping back into these same feelings of powerlessness?
The truth is that feeling like a victim is often much easier than taking responsibility for the places in our lives that are in desperate need of changing. While taking the time you need to work through difficult emotions is vital, there’s a fine line between processing pain and adopting it to become part of your identity.
The thought patterns we fall into – the ones that convince us we’re not capable of finding true love, landing a fulfilling job, or achieving the same luck that our friends have – slowly become our entire narrative without us even noticing. Once we subconsciously label ourselves as the “person that would put anyone before him or herself” or “the easygoing people-pleaser who’s available 24/7,” we feel a disconnect with ourselves when we inevitably cannot live up to these unrealistic expectations.
Personally, I’ve noticed that a lot of my discontentment in life stems from the guilt I feel about letting go of familiar and comfortable things, even though they may no longer serve me. Once we feel comfortable in our identity, the idea of change can seem extremely daunting.
Stephanie Zamora suggests that breaking this mold and expanding upon who we are is actually a beautiful thing, and that the people who don’t support this growth may actually be scared of change themselves. In these times, it’s incredibly important to take stock of which people in your life are actually growing with you, and invest more time into them than those who repel the idea of you shaping your life into something new.
In the quest of escaping martyrdom once and for all and forging a new path in life, Deepak Chopra advises that “the answer to feeling poor inside is to gather some riches. Instead of sinking into insecurity when you can’t meet every demand or someone questions your choices, you should instead analyze why you feel badly and how you can work to solve it.
Is it because you think you need to please everyone? Remind yourself that even the most selfless people cannot pour from an empty cup. Is it because you think a friend won’t support you bettering yourself by embracing new hobbies and interests? Maybe the relationship has run its course because he or she is not growing alongside you like you hoped. All of this is ok — life is not meant to stay stagnant — so you shouldn’t feel guilty for moving forward, either.
Circling back to what my dad advised me — life is far too short to keep feeling stuck in obligations you really don’t want to be apart of. Holding onto things that no longer benefit our growth does not make us better people; it just prevents us from reaching our fullest potential.
Some things in life have an expiration date; they teach us what we need to learn at that point in time, and they take up spaces in our past like pictures in a scrapbook would. We can reflect back on them with fondness and care, without having to give them the same energy they required in the past. Once we give ourselves permission to grow, all the amazing things that will start to fall into place won’t make us feel trapped; they’ll make us feel free.
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